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Couch Creatures: Unless you’ve been here a really really really long time, you got couch creatures. Not bed bugs, people. Since I moved to the LES, if 10th Street between Avenues C & D can truly be called that, I’ve had the father from a family folk act, the current administrator of ABC No Rio, the former musical director of The Living Theater, a cranked out TV commercial camera man, a stylish former friend who’s now a Wardrobe or Costume person in Los Angeles, one girl who got married and divorced and one woman who got dead. At some point, we all hated each other with equal fervor. The most unbelievable part of all of this is that I actually once had a couch. A couple of them. One was velour type, one was brown leatherette. “Ouch, it sticks to your skin like a band aid!” one queen said during the summer. We’d hired gay movers to bring it into my place, the ad said “Gay or Straight, Don’t Hesitate!” and that was too good to pass up.

Yuca: Yuca is a good place for brunch. At night there are many people drinking their drinks, talking loud, perusing a good time. They’ve missed the boat. The good time was at brunch, when you can get an eggs Benedict with a Corn Bread muffin, a mimosa, and a snack basket of breaded items. Yuca used to be Leshko’s, which was a horrible Polish restaurant where people fell apart in a relatively quiet manner. Leshko’s was not better than Odessa, which is still there, so run West if a 50 something East Village resident makes the disappearance of said dive into a giant case for nostalgia. They’re just trying to get in your pants, son.

NYU Students: There are a lot of them. They pay a lot to go there. To improve their group character, the opposite of a safety orientation would go far. Do NOT hang out in large packs, TAKE RISKS that don’t involve tired drinking games, and above all remember, nobody really likes you. If you have ANY MONEY AT ALL display it at ALL TIMES, this is a good way to meet locals.

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